In order to get a divorce, you need to involve the courts. Filing with the court begins their process.
I suggest that you file with the court after you have a signed written agreement detailing all of your decisions about what the court requires and any other issues you feel are important. I suggest this for the following reasons.
First, the court assumes that you need them. To be helpful, they may send you to their evaluators or referees. In order to track your progress and offer assistance they schedule hearings. There goal is for you to reach agreement without the need for a trial. They schedule hearings to see how you are doing. If you can show them a signed agreement at the first opportunity, they will know that your issues are resolved and they will leave you alone. In this way you can keep your involvement with the court system to a minimum.
Secondly, the court has a timetable for moving your case through their system. In the State of Michigan, as an example, the State Court Administration evaluates the courts by how quickly cases progress, sets timelines for various requirements to occur and when cases should be resolved. By filing after you have an agreement, you can make decisions at your own pace rather than to meet the courts deadlines.
Lastly, often spouses file without talking about it first, which often contributes to conflict. I encourage you to plan who will file and when it will occur together. Divorce is a scary experience and planning the process together will reduce your fear and anxiety.
Gary Marsh
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Divorce is a traumatic event
It is why the same tape keeps playing over and over in your head.
It is why your spouse or you are doing things that you don’t usually do.
It is why you feel frustrated and desperate.
It is why you feel anxious and afraid.
Divorce is a traumatic event and the reaction people have to trauma in general is predictable.
When we approach a problem, we use our experience to figure out the approach to take and to define the best solutions to deal with it. Most people going through a divorce have never been in a situation like it before. This inexperience means we lack the understanding and coping skills to effectively deal with the challenge.
We try to use our normal coping strategies to deal with the problem to no effect. This ineffectiveness leads to frustration and a feeling of powerlessness. No one tolerates feeling powerless very well. It is understandable we would go to great lengths to avoid that feeling. Desperate to have an effect on our situation, we do things we would not normally do. These efforts fail to improve our situation. As this continues, we experience increasing fear and anxiety.
Feeling anxious and fearful, we look around for a reason. When divorcing, at the least, we worry about making a mistake out of ignorance or being manipulated into something that is not in our interest. In the extreme, we may fear becoming destitute. If we have children, we fear losing them.
It is as if we see the world through a lens created by our fears. Emotions distort perception. The more intense the emotion, the greater the distortion. Information we take in that justifies fears are amplified. Information we take in that seems to provide an answer to a problem are given greater importance.
What can you do?
You need new information and new coping strategies. There are many great books about divorce from which you can gain useful information and ideas. If you have an attorney ask them questions. What is typical and “normal” in divorce? Ask the “why” of the issues you confront, the options available, and the consequences you can expect for the various courses of action under consideration. Don’t forget the cost of their services for each course of action.
We need to feel in control in our lives in order to function optimally. Knowledge about the law, how the courts work, the legal and financial issues in divorce are essential to the development of the new coping strategies you need. There are, however, also personal and interpersonal issues in divorce that need to be addressed. How do you deal with a spouse when divorcing? How do you reorganize a family? How do you end a marriage and, because you have kids, still deal with each other after a divorce? What are children’s needs in a divorce? The failure of old personal and interpersonal coping strategies also lead to frustration, create feelings of powerlessness, and add to fear and anxiety. You require new knowledge and new copying strategies. For this, you need a therapist familiar with divorce issues. Most of the time, a brief contact should suffice (1-3 sessions). Although establishing a relationship with a therapist early in your divorce will mean someone is readily available as you need them.
Supports.
When people experience a traumatic event, self-worth or self esteem are negatively effected. The lower the self-esteem, the greater the difficulty managing a trauma. A divorce is a failed marriage. You may feel the failure. You need to seek out people from whom you can get positive regard and a feeling that you are a worthy person.
These supports are usually family, friends, or therapists from whom you can expect positive regard.
Conclusion.
Divorce is a new experience for most people going through it. The challenge requires new information and new skills. As you increase your understanding of the issues in your divorce and learn strategies to deal with them, you should notice a marked reduction in your frustration, fear and anxiety.
It is why your spouse or you are doing things that you don’t usually do.
It is why you feel frustrated and desperate.
It is why you feel anxious and afraid.
Divorce is a traumatic event and the reaction people have to trauma in general is predictable.
When we approach a problem, we use our experience to figure out the approach to take and to define the best solutions to deal with it. Most people going through a divorce have never been in a situation like it before. This inexperience means we lack the understanding and coping skills to effectively deal with the challenge.
We try to use our normal coping strategies to deal with the problem to no effect. This ineffectiveness leads to frustration and a feeling of powerlessness. No one tolerates feeling powerless very well. It is understandable we would go to great lengths to avoid that feeling. Desperate to have an effect on our situation, we do things we would not normally do. These efforts fail to improve our situation. As this continues, we experience increasing fear and anxiety.
Feeling anxious and fearful, we look around for a reason. When divorcing, at the least, we worry about making a mistake out of ignorance or being manipulated into something that is not in our interest. In the extreme, we may fear becoming destitute. If we have children, we fear losing them.
It is as if we see the world through a lens created by our fears. Emotions distort perception. The more intense the emotion, the greater the distortion. Information we take in that justifies fears are amplified. Information we take in that seems to provide an answer to a problem are given greater importance.
What can you do?
You need new information and new coping strategies. There are many great books about divorce from which you can gain useful information and ideas. If you have an attorney ask them questions. What is typical and “normal” in divorce? Ask the “why” of the issues you confront, the options available, and the consequences you can expect for the various courses of action under consideration. Don’t forget the cost of their services for each course of action.
We need to feel in control in our lives in order to function optimally. Knowledge about the law, how the courts work, the legal and financial issues in divorce are essential to the development of the new coping strategies you need. There are, however, also personal and interpersonal issues in divorce that need to be addressed. How do you deal with a spouse when divorcing? How do you reorganize a family? How do you end a marriage and, because you have kids, still deal with each other after a divorce? What are children’s needs in a divorce? The failure of old personal and interpersonal coping strategies also lead to frustration, create feelings of powerlessness, and add to fear and anxiety. You require new knowledge and new copying strategies. For this, you need a therapist familiar with divorce issues. Most of the time, a brief contact should suffice (1-3 sessions). Although establishing a relationship with a therapist early in your divorce will mean someone is readily available as you need them.
Supports.
When people experience a traumatic event, self-worth or self esteem are negatively effected. The lower the self-esteem, the greater the difficulty managing a trauma. A divorce is a failed marriage. You may feel the failure. You need to seek out people from whom you can get positive regard and a feeling that you are a worthy person.
These supports are usually family, friends, or therapists from whom you can expect positive regard.
Conclusion.
Divorce is a new experience for most people going through it. The challenge requires new information and new skills. As you increase your understanding of the issues in your divorce and learn strategies to deal with them, you should notice a marked reduction in your frustration, fear and anxiety.
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